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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26414794">A Heavy Heart to Carry</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/asroarke/pseuds/asroarke'>asroarke</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Artificial Insemination, F/M, Pregnancy, Slow Burn, season 1 AU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 09:14:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,213</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26414794</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/asroarke/pseuds/asroarke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m not supposed to tell you this,” he sighs before sitting down opposite him. “But your best genetic match just turned eighteen.”</p><p>Bellamy lets out a breath and leans back in his seat. The Ark requires that each citizen have a child, a law that has been a source of anxiety for Bellamy his whole life. His rations are already stretched thin because of Octavia. But he couldn’t imagine what would happen when he had to bring another child into the mix. So, as soon as Bellamy turned eighteen, he opted to donate sperm but stay anonymous. This way, he meets his obligation without complicating matters with Octavia. The last thing he needs is a partner who would find out about his sister. Or a child to burden with that secret. </p><p>Season 1 AU</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>157</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>708</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic takes place in an AU where the Ark requires everyone to have a child with their best genetic match. For plot reasons, Clarke is going to be a few months older than she would have been in canon. Just roll with me. </p><p>I have not finished this fic. I will try to, but life is crazy and my patience toward the show is dying faster than JRoth's career.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As a rule, Bellamy Blake does what he has to do to stay out of medical. Lately, he had only been there because he was shadowing one of the guards that worked there. But that isn’t why he’s brought there today. He isn’t a trainee anymore, nor is he reporting here for duty.</p><p>“Oh, good,” Dr. Jackson says as Bellamy walks in. He glances up from his notes and shoots Bellamy a reassuring smile. “You can relax. It’s not like you’re here for a checkup,” he teases. Bellamy sits down, tapping his foot nervously as Jackson crosses the room to shut the door. “In fact, this conversation needs to stay between us.”</p><p>Bellamy takes a deep breath, praying that he is just being paranoid. It isn’t like Eric Jackson somehow found out about Octavia and is confronting Bellamy. That secret is safe… which makes Bellamy wonder what else could require this kind of discretion. “What did you want to talk about?”</p><p>“I’m not supposed to tell you this,” he sighs before sitting down opposite him. “But your best genetic match just turned eighteen.”</p><p>Bellamy lets out a breath and leans back in his seat. The Ark requires that each citizen have a child, a law that has been a source of anxiety for Bellamy his whole life. His rations are already stretched thin because of Octavia. But he couldn’t imagine what would happen when he had to bring another child into the mix. So, as soon as Bellamy turned eighteen, he opted to donate sperm but stay anonymous. This way, he meets his obligation without complicating matters with Octavia. The last thing he needs is a partner who would find out about his sister. Or a child to burden with that secret.</p><p>“You’re right. You’re not supposed to tell me this. The form I signed indicated that,” Bellamy says calmly. It killed him when he signed it, but he knew why he had to cut off any relationship between himself and his match. He couldn’t risk someone getting that close, not when so much is at risk.</p><p>“I know, I know,” Dr. Jackson replies. “And I will honor that. But could you hear me out?” Part of Bellamy knows he should just leave. Nothing good would come from this conversation. This is the decision he has to stick to for the sake of Octavia. But he couldn’t bring himself to stand up. He remains glued to his chair, staring down Jackson. There is a part of him that wants to know. “The insemination has already taken place. It may not take, but—"</p><p>“You said she just turned eighteen.” The Ark may not give them a choice about having a child, but they at least let women choose when.</p><p>“Yeah, she did,” he sighs, his jaw a bit tense. “And she asked me about you.” His heart rate picks up as he grips hard on his chair. “Don’t worry. I didn’t tell her anything. I can’t violate your terms,” he says. “I won’t tell her unless you change your mind. It’s just… I thought you’d want to make an informed decision before walking away.”</p><p>Bellamy’s eyes drop to his hands as he takes a deep breath. He doesn’t let himself think about his future child much. When he does, he worries himself sick. But he always figured that whoever the mother ends up being would wait a few years, get settled, and be ready for it. Not rush into it at eighteen all alone. Granted, the all alone part is his fault.</p><p>If Bellamy were someone without a huge secret, he would change his mind. He’d volunteer his information up to her and do whatever he could to help her out. God knows she would need it. His mother wasn’t much older when she became pregnant with Bellamy.</p><p>But Bellamy has Octavia to consider. He can’t risk her safety, no matter how desperately he wants to help the mother of his kid. And he can’t burden some teenage girl and their child with this secret. “I’m not going to change my mind,” Bellamy chokes out, hating himself for having to say them.</p><p>Jackson’s eyes fall. Bellamy is about to offer a vague explanation for why when the door bursts open. “Jackson, tell me you didn’t—” a woman yells, and Bellamy turned to see Dr. Griffin standing frozen as she realizes there is someone else in here.</p><p>“I’ll be on my way,” Bellamy murmurs to Jackson. He steals another glance at Dr. Griffin as he walks past her, and he could recognize the panic in her eyes. He offers her a nod before shutting the door behind him.</p><p>“Why didn’t you consult me?” he hears her shout as soon as the door is shut. He shakes his head as he makes his way down the hallway, trying to walk off that troubling conversation with Dr. Jackson.</p><p>Somewhere on the Ark is a girl, an eighteen-year-old, scared girl, who might be pregnant with his kid. And he just walked away from her, leaving her all alone.</p><p>It’s what he has to do for Octavia. He had talked to his mother about this in the weeks leading up to his eighteenth birthday, debating the possibilities. There is no way he could be there for this girl. Not without endangering his sister… so this is what he has to do.</p><p>He feels like throwing up when he opens his door but plasters on a smile when he sees Octavia. He just has to keep reminding himself that he is doing this for her.</p><hr/><p>For weeks, it eats away at him. He finds himself paying a bit more attention in the hallways, checking for a girl who looks like she just turned eighteen. And he just knows that he is going to keep track of the child’s age, searching for pieces of himself in every child he sees. He has panic attacks about that late at night, once even waking up Octavia.</p><p>But it almost disappears from his thoughts when his sister is found out and his mom is floated. It’s still lurking there but often drowned out by the fact that Bellamy’s entire life has been flipped upside down. The only thing he can focus on is trying to see Octavia in solitary.</p><p>Bellamy waits on a bench for someone to approve or deny his request, watching the Chancellor’s kid make a similar plea by the desk. He turns around in a huff, plopping down beside Bellamy. Who could this guy possibly be trying to see in solitary? Bellamy doubts the Chancellor’s son knows the kinds of kids that ended up in lock up.</p><p>“How long does your friend have?” the kid asks, apparently willing to make conversation with some janitor he doesn’t know.</p><p>“A few years,” Bellamy whispers, keeping his eyes facing forward. “What about yours?”</p><p>“Eight months,” he replies. Bellamy steals a glance at the kid, seeing his brows furrowed with worry. “Maybe a few more if she’s lucky.”</p><p>Bellamy starts to ask what he means by that when they are interrupted by the clearing of a throat. He glances up to see Shumway raising his eyebrows at Bellamy, gesturing with his head for him to follow.</p><p>He follows silently, only glancing over his shoulder once to check on Jaha’s kid, who is slumped over waiting for the decline of his visitation request. “What I’m about to tell you is classified,” Shumway whispers, snapping Bellamy back into focus.</p><hr/><p>His hands shake as the Drop Ship descends. Nerves, probably. Or the fact that he just killed the Chancellor.</p><p>Bellamy’s mind jumps all over the place. Octavia, then back to Jaha, Octavia again, and finally, his mind settles on the faceless girl he left behind on the Ark. Guilt seeps back into his chest, drowning his heart. Ever since Shumway came up to him with that deal, all attempts at pushing that pregnant girl from his mind have been fruitless.</p><p>He tries to ease his guilt by reminding himself that the girl chose to have the insemination now… even knowing that Bellamy wouldn’t be in the picture. He doesn’t technically owe her anything. But as the Drop Ship crashes down onto Earth, Bellamy can’t help but feel like he abandoned her and the baby twice now. No chance of ever changing his mind. Bellamy made his choice. He chose to take care of Octavia and to leave them behind.</p><p>The delinquents are easy enough to deal with, too rattled and freaked out to question Bellamy as he makes his way to the lever. Well, almost all of them.</p><p>“Stop! The air could be toxic!”</p><p>Whatever control Bellamy has gained over the situation dissipates. Whispers start and eyes flicker in the girl’s direction.</p><p>With an eye roll, Bellamy replies, “If the air is toxic, we’re all dead anyway.”</p><p>The annoyance the Alpha Station brat fills him with fades away as Octavia comes running up to him. As soon as he’s got her in his embrace, a weight lifts off him. Not all the weight, of course. Bellamy still has more guilt than he knows how to cope with, but it’s enough weight off his shoulders that he feels like he can breathe again.  </p><p>All the stories in the world couldn’t describe what it’s like to step on the ground for the first time. The lack of machine hum. The warmth on his face. The bright sun. It’s unlike anything he could have imagined.</p><p>The delinquents are cheering and celebrating, and Bellamy could finally breathe again. He has Octavia back, and she’s okay.</p><p>But then, his sister takes off with the Spacewalker and Princess, and he finds Jaha’s kid working himself up into a panic attack. “Your girlfriend will be just fine,” Bellamy mutters, rolling his eyes.</p><p>“How did Griffin even get in solitary? She’s already eighteen,” Murphy asks, shoving Wells in the shoulder.</p><p>“Apparently, they couldn’t bring themselves to float their Princess,” Bellamy huffs. Of course, there’s a double standard. She gets to live just because of who her mother is, while Bellamy would have lost his sister as soon as she turned eighteen.</p><p>He tries to brush it off, he really does. Bellamy’s entire focus should be on getting those wristbands off. But the more he thinks about it, the less it makes sense. Not too long ago, Jake Griffin, Clarke’s father, was floated. It was kept quiet for a while, but gossip always spreads on the Ark. And unlike Clarke, Jake Griffin was valuable. If there was ever a time to bend the rules, it should have been to save their best engineer, not some eighteen-year-old apprentice from Alpha Station. So, why was Clarke spared?</p><p>Bellamy is about to ask Jaha’s kid about it when Spacewalker and Clarke come back with his sister… who looks hurt.</p><p>“What the hell happened out there?”</p><p>He keeps his eyes on Octavia, but it’s Clarke who speaks. “We were attacked.”</p><p>“Attacked? By what?” Bellamy looks over his shoulder to see Wells panting beside him.</p><p>“Not what, who,” Spacewalker corrects. “It turns out, when the last man from the ground died on the Ark, he wasn’t the last Grounder.”</p><p>“It’s true. Everything we thought we knew about the ground is wrong. There are people here, survivors. The good news is that means we can survive. Radiation won’t kill us,” Clarke explains</p><p>“Yeah, the bad news is the Grounders will.” Any relief Bellamy felt about the radiation is extinguished. Of course, getting his sister to safety wouldn’t be that simple.</p><p>“Where’s the kid with the goggles?” Wells asks. Bellamy counts them all before realizing Wells is right. One of them didn’t come back.</p><p>“Jasper was hit. They took him,” Clarke explains, the panic rising in her voice.</p><hr/><p>Barely on the ground, and he’s already fighting with Octavia.</p><p>“The others said it looked like a giant snake,” she shrugs, and Bellamy just stares at her in disbelief.</p><p>“You could have been killed,” he groans.</p><p>“She would have been if Jasper didn’t jump in to pull her out,” a familiar and all too annoying voice says. Bellamy turns around to see Clarke striding up to them.</p><p>“You guys leaving? I’m coming, too,” Octavia says, but Bellamy steps in her way.</p><p>“No, no, no way. Not again,” he warns.</p><p>Right when Octavia is about to protest, Clarke says, “He’s right.” He lets out a sigh of relief. “Your leg’s just gonna slow us down.” Octavia’s face falls, but for once, Bellamy’s grateful. “I’m here for you.”</p><p>His head snaps back in Clarke’s direction. There’s a determined look in her eyes and a bossiness in her voice that he can’t help but smirk at. Maybe being spared from her execution gave her a false sense of confidence.</p><p>“Clarke, what are you doing?” Wells asks, but she ignores him. Does she even know that kid kept trying to visit her in solitary? With the way she keeps brushing him off and pulling away, he’d guess not.</p><p>“I hear you have a gun.” Bellamy lifts his shirt up a bit to gesture to it. Her eyes linger a beat too long but eventually meet his again. “Good. Follow me.”</p><p>“And why would I do that?” he snorts.</p><p>Her jaw tenses for a moment before a smirk takes over her lips. “Because you want them to follow you, and right now, they’re thinking only one of us is scared.”</p><p>His eyes flicker down to her wristband, and an idea emerges. Bellamy could get that wristband off her just like he did with Wells. Let the Ark think she’s dead too, and then, they’ll never come down. Bellamy would be in the clear.</p><p>But he would never get the chance to meet his kid.</p><p>Then again, maybe his kid would be better off never knowing the monster that is his father.</p><p>Bellamy barely pays attention to the others. As they hike through the forest, he keeps his eyes on her, looking for any opportunity to get that wristband off. But he doesn’t get his chance just yet, and Jasper’s loud moaning breaks his concentration.</p><p>As soon as he’s in sight, Clarke takes off toward him. She’s a determined one, he’ll give her that. A smirk almost forms on his lips, but it dies as soon as Clarke’s yelp echoes throughout the clearing.</p><p>Bellamy’s hand wraps around her wrist, barely saving her from falling into spike pit. Her panicked eyes meet his, and they just stare at each other while they wait for the others to help get her back up.</p><p>He could have dropped her. No need to take the wristband off and one less kid of the privileged to deal with. What’s another murder on his hands?</p><p>But he can’t. He won’t. There are some lines he still won’t cross.</p><p>As soon as she’s back on the ground, safe and sound, Wells is all over her, checking her for injuries. “You can’t just run off—”</p><p>“Stop,” she pants.</p><p>“Do you have any idea what could have happened to you? Or what could have happened to your—”</p><p>“I said stop,” she hisses loud enough that everyone turns to stare at them. Clarke’s head ducks, and after a beat, she’s back to spewing out orders as if no one overheard that.</p><p>Something isn’t quite right with Clarke. First the fact that she didn’t get floated at eighteen, and now whatever that was.</p><p>Bellamy shakes it off. He just needs to deal with this Jasper kid, get that wristband off, and get back to his sister. That’s it.</p><hr/><p>It doesn’t get easier. Death surrounds them on all sides. First, it’s Atom. Bellamy couldn’t even give him the mercy of a quick death. It should have been easy after killing the Chancellor, but when it came right down to it, Bellamy couldn’t kill his friend. Clarke could, though. She made Atom’s last seconds on this planet gentle and easy. If only she could offer that to the rest of them.</p><p>Next is Wells. All Hell breaks loose.</p><p>Then, Charlotte. At least some order comes of it. After Murphy is banished and Bellamy and Clarke come to an agreement of sorts, camp settles down.</p><p>That is, until the pod from the Ark begins descending to the ground. Any peace Bellamy started to feel is crushed at the sight. He gets to the pod first, destroying the radio before Clarke or the others could make contact with the Ark. There is a moment of relief as he flees back into the woods. And it dies as soon as he learns that he didn’t actually kill the Chancellor, but that destroying the radio might just kill three hundred citizens of the Ark. Good people, probably. It’s not the Chancellors and Council members who will get sacrificed; it’s the people Bellamy grew up with.</p><p>Shooting Jaha didn’t make him a murderer but destroying the radio will.</p><p>The only comfort he has is that he knows for a fact his genetic match, the girl who is pregnant with his baby, isn’t being culled. Ark laws protect pregnant women, even if they break the law. The mother is floated after the child is born so that the Council can feel less like monsters. So, Bellamy at least knows that she won’t be up for the culling. She’ll be safe as long as she’s pregnant.</p><p>He holds onto that one beautiful truth like his life depends on it. Maybe leaving her behind was the best thing he could do for her. After all, every other thing he touches shatters right in front of him. He loses Octavia, then, Finn gets stabbed by that Grounder as soon as he gets her back. He’s so far gone, more monster than man now, and tortures the Grounder without blinking. At least he isn’t the only monster this time.</p><p>“Clarke, who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things,” he tells her. Or maybe he’s just telling himself that.</p><p>Her eyes flicker down to the ground. Her face contorts in pain and she whispers, “I hope you’re right.” The way her shoulders slump makes it seem like she carries the weight of the world on them too, though Clarke hasn’t made the horrible decisions he’s made. She tortured the Grounder to save someone she cared about, and at worst, she used her privilege to get herself on the Drop Ship instead of being floated. Still, he feels better letting himself think he isn’t alone.</p><p>But maybe he should be. With coms up and working, it would only be a matter of time before the Ark comes down. Bellamy would be arrested and probably killed for attempting to murder the Chancellor. So, maybe he should leave. Every choice he makes seems to hurt the people he cares about anyway. They’d all be better off if he left.</p><p>What he doesn’t expect is for Clarke to serve him his opportunity on a platter. She gets suspicious when she sees how many rations he packs, but she doesn’t press him on it. Something seems to be weighing on her, otherwise she would absolutely be hounding him about it.</p><p>She does choose to bother him about Jaha, though.</p><p>“Pretty sure you can’t avoid Jaha forever.”</p><p>“I can try,” he mutters.</p><p>Clarke mumbles to herself about the depot, looking around for a door. Just when he thinks the subject is dropped, she whispers, “Maybe he’ll be lenient.”</p><p>“Look, I shot the man, Clarke,” Bellamy snaps, and she presses her lips together. “He’s not just gonna forgive and forget.”</p><p>She doesn’t push him any further. They don’t speak again until they get the door open. At first glance, the trip seems to be a waste of time. But then, he stumbles onto the guns. In all the excitement of realizing the camp can defend themselves now, he forgets for a few minutes that he’s about to run.</p><p>For a few minutes, he’s smiling along with Clarke as she takes her first shot. But like always, she snaps back into business. And she’s smart, so of course, she figures out what he’s planning. Bellamy isn’t sure why she’s trying to talk him out of it. She should be rejoicing. Finally, she can run the camp the way she wants without him and his reckless ideas messing everything up.</p><p>Bellamy thought he would breathe easier once he got out of the bunker, but the hallucinations start. Jaha blurs in with Dax, and Bellamy is too overwhelmed to make sense of it. His body snaps back into focus when he hears the first gun shot. It’s Dax, not Jaha. And he’s trying to kill Bellamy.</p><p>And Clarke as soon as she shows her face. Guns misfire, rounds barely miss them both, and Bellamy winds up struggling to breathe as Dax chokes him with a gun.</p><p>Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Clarke fiddling with her gun again. If he could breathe, he’d remind her she’s only successfully shot something once and that was with his help. But then, Clarke hits Dax with it, and Bellamy falls to the ground with a hard thump. Bellamy desperately reaches for the bullet he saw fall when he last reloaded.</p><p>A strangled, pained noise rips its way out of Clarke’s throat, and before Dax can do anything else, Bellamy stabs him in the neck with the bullet.</p><p>His body shakes as he frantically claws his way to the tree. Every muscle and bone in his body aches, but nothing quite as strong as how his chest does.</p><p>“You’re okay,” Clarke whispers, and he finally forces himself to look at her. A little worse for wear, but nothing seemed that hurt. Except maybe her stomach with how she’s been clutching it since Dax hit her there.</p><p>“No, I’m not,” he stutters out. “My mother… if she knew what I’ve done, who I am… She raised me to be better, to be good—”</p><p>“Bellamy—”</p><p>“And all I do is hurt people.” He tried to protect his sister, and he left some girl up on the Ark all alone in her pregnancy. He tried to give Octavia one night as a normal girl, and it got his mom floated and his sister locked up. He tried to keep his sister safe, and that lead to him shooting the Chancellor, ripping off wristbands, and destroying the radio… which ultimately lead to the death of over three hundred of his people up on the Ark. “I’m a monster.”</p><p>“So am I,” she murmurs. When he looks at her again, she’s no longer looking at him. Her eyes are glazed and staring at Dax’s body.</p><p>“That was self-defense.”</p><p>“I’m not talking about that.” She sucks in a shaky breath and closes her eyes.</p><p>The silence grows thick around them as he tries to think what horrible sin she could have committed.</p><p>“I did something on the Ark.”</p><p>“Something worse than treason?” he chuckles darkly. When Clarke doesn’t laugh along, Bellamy straightens up. “What did you do?”</p><p>“Something reckless. They floated my father before he could get the warning out, and I knew that if I was going to do it, I had to be smarter. I had just turned eighteen, so I’d get floated immediately if I was found out.” Clarke swallows, but the rest of her remains tense. “There’s a loophole to that law, though.”</p><p>Bellamy’s eyes flicker to her hand resting over her stomach.</p><p>No.</p><p>“Clarke,” he says, but his voice sounds too broken to be his own. It can’t be her.</p><p><em>Eight months,</em> Wells had said. <em>Maybe more if she’s lucky</em>.</p><p>“I went straight to Jackson since there’s no way in Hell my mom would do it knowing what she did about the oxygen. Barely made the cutoff for when they stopped inseminations to preserve resources.” Clarke stops to wipe away a tear. “I just… if I got arrested and they couldn’t float me because I was pregnant, that would give me more time to get the message out some other way. And maybe they’d figure out a fix and I could have been pardoned… I don’t know. I had to do something.”</p><p>The timing is right. She’s barely eighteen, just like Jackson said. The odds of another girl who just turned eighteen asking to be inseminated are next to impossible.</p><p>“I didn’t know they would send me to the ground.” Her voice shakes as she cries. “I thought worst case scenario, I got floated and the father took the baby. Or Wells. Or even my mom. But I am alone down here.” She finally turns her head in his direction. Her cheeks are bright pink, her eyes drowning in tears. “I wouldn’t have done it if I knew they would send me to the ground. I—I almost got us both killed.”</p><p>Bellamy’s only relief has been that the faceless girl who’s pregnant with his baby is safe up on the Ark and about to come down on the Exodus ship. But she isn’t. She’s been down here this whole time with him, dodging Grounders and acid fog alike. Barely escaping death day after day. One misstep and they both could have been gone. And he never would have known.</p><p>“You’re okay,” he tells her, reaching over to grab her hand. Clarke gives him an odd glance, and he expects her to jerk away. But the exhaustion of the day must settle in, because she relaxes her hand in his and lets her head fall onto his shoulder.</p><p>“You saved my life today,” Clarke whispers, and he almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of it. His very presence is what put her in danger. Just like everyone else. “You may be a total ass half the time, but I need you.”</p><p>His throat goes dry as she peers up at him. Those blue eyes are impossibly earnest in a way that burns.</p><p>“We all need you,” she adds in, and something lurches in his chest. “None of us would’ve survived this place if it wasn’t for you. You want forgiveness? Fine, I’ll give it to you. You’re forgiven, okay?” All he can do is blink at her. “But you can’t run, Bellamy. You have to come back with me. You have to face it.”</p><p>She’s right. He can’t run. Deep down, he always knew that.</p><p><em>I need you</em>.</p><p>The words still echo in his mind even though both of them have fallen silent. Clarke’s tears have begun to slow as her watery eyes grow clearer. Her hand hasn’t left his, and it feels so small in his. Like a fragile thing.</p><p>She wouldn’t have been so fragile up on the Ark. Safe and protected, given extra rations, having a doctor monitor her every step of the way. But down here, Clarke is fragile. Could have died in that spike pit or been shot by Dax. Right now, hunting is easy, but when winter comes, who knows if she’ll have enough to eat for both her and the baby? And if anything happens with the baby, Clarke is the only person who might know what to do. Their only doctors are still on the Ark.</p><p>“You think I’m selfish for doing it, don’t you?” Clarke whispers.</p><p>In a way, maybe she is. But who is he to judge after all the horrible things he’s in the name of keeping Octavia safe? Not all of it was for her. The wristbands and the radio were to save Bellamy’s ass because he was scared.</p><p>“I think you were scared,” Bellamy tells her, and her worried eyes soften. “And it was smart, manipulating the loophole like that. Kept you safe, didn’t it?”</p><p>Clarke’s eyes flicker down to her stomach, and though she fights it, the corners of her mouth turn up. “Yeah,” she murmurs. Her hand leaves his and settles on her stomach, and his heart stutters at the sight.</p><p>The urge to reach out and touch her again is too strong. Bellamy clenches his fist to stop himself. But he lets himself get lost in the sight, imagining the future he thought he would miss out on by stepping onto that Drop Ship. But it’s all right here in front of him, and he is going to find a way to keep them both safe.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Where is he?” Bellamy asks.</p><p>“How would I know?” Octavia snaps. He doesn’t have any proof, but he knows his sister. Lincoln’s disappearance has her written all over it.</p><p>She tries to outpace him, but his legs are longer. The others part out of the way when they see the two Blake siblings stomping off toward the woods. “You leave camp to go find him, and I’ll just follow you.”</p><p>Octavia jerks around to face him, finger prodding into his chest as she asks, “Why can’t you just leave him alone? He isn’t like the other—”</p><p>“I know!” In the days following Clarke announcing she’s pregnant, Bellamy has been working overtime trying to figure out what to do. Their mere presence is an act of war to the Grounders and he has little faith that the Ark will help defuse the situation when and if they get here. The rickety wall surrounding their camp is more like decoration than protection. They have guns, but the Grounders have the numbers. The simplest solution is the easy one he settled on before taking that trip with Clarke: to run. All of them. It’s a big planet. There’s bound to be uninhabited land where they can be safe. Where his kid could be safe.</p><p>But Bellamy doesn’t know where that kind of place exists. If anyone does, it’s Lincoln.</p><p>“I know,” he repeats. “I need his help. And yours.” When she doesn’t respond, he takes her by the elbow and takes her back toward his tent. “I want us all to pack up and find somewhere else to make camp. Somewhere safe,” Bellamy whispers.</p><p>“Since when? I thought we were at war.” She’s mocking his voice as she says it. He can’t even get angry about it because he can hear now how ridiculous it all is. A bunch of kids against angry Grounders and acid fog and without any real assistance from the “adults” who sent them here.</p><p>“Keep your voice down.” He guides her into his tent, which is a mess. There’s judgement in Octavia’s eyes as there has been every time a girl has strode out of this tent in the morning. “Stop. Nothing like that happened.”</p><p>“Uh huh.”</p><p>“Clarke is pregnant.”</p><p>“Already? That’ll be awkward for Finn to explain to Raven.”</p><p>“It’s not—why would you think he’s the father?” Bellamy snaps. But as he says it, understanding takes over. It’s not like he’s blind. He had seen the way Spacewalker had been eyeing Clarke since day one. There’s been an awkwardness there ever since Raven came down, the kind of awkwardness that only has one explanation. “Finn’s not the father!”</p><p>“Hey, calm down,” Octavia snaps.</p><p>“I am calm.” Though he can hear in his voice that he doesn’t sound calm at all. He sounds angry. “She was pregnant when she came down. That’s why she didn’t get floated at eighteen.”</p><p>“Okay, so what does this—”</p><p>“Look, it’s a long story. So just, listen for a minute, okay?” he pleads. It used to be so easy to talk to her. Now, it’s like navigating a mine field. “Up on the Ark, everyone has to have one child. That’s the law. I couldn’t opt out, but I could donate sperm to my anonymous genetic match. So, that’s what I did. And it turns out, Clarke happened to be my best genetic match.”</p><p>Her dark eyes narrow at him, her lips parted as if she wants to say something but can’t think of what to say. As painful as all that was to spit out, it’s a relief to have it out there, to have someone who could help him with this… if she chose to.</p><p>“Clarke’s having your baby,” Octavia finally says, eyes blinking rapidly in disbelief.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>He’s about to return to the subject of Lincoln when Octavia says, “So, I’m going to have a…”</p><p>A small laugh escapes his lips. “Niece or nephew. Been a long time since any of our people had any of those.” She laughs too. A light, happy laugh. And just like that, he has his sister back. The happy, innocent girl who hadn’t been sent to the ground to die yet.</p><p>“You’re going to be a dad!” she says with a huge smile.</p><p>“I know.” He shakes his head in disbelief. The second of contagious giddiness fades as he remembers where they are and what they’re up against. “That’s why I’ve got to get them somewhere safe.” Her smile fades just as quick, as if waking from a dream to find herself on a bloody battlefield.</p><p>“What does Clarke think?”</p><p>“I figured I’d wait and see if Lincoln could think of somewhere we could—”</p><p>“No, about you being the father.”</p><p>Bellamy swallows and looks down at his calloused hands. “She doesn’t know yet.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“The only reason I know is because Dr. Jackson told me that my match had been inseminated and I put the pieces together when Clarke told me she was pregnant.”</p><p>“You didn’t think to let her in on who you are in all this?”</p><p>“It wasn’t the time!” It was the time, but Bellamy couldn’t get the words out. They sat under that tree for so long, but he couldn’t form the words. “I will. Just not right now. I need to get us out of here first.” Octavia rolls her eyes. Where she learned that from, he’ll never know. But he’s always hated her smugness that comes with it. “I will.”</p><p>She taps her fingers against her knee before saying, “I’ll set up a meeting with you and Lincoln. Nobody else comes, got it? And leave your guns at camp.”</p><hr/><p>Convincing Clarke is easy. Her priorities are the same as his even if she doesn’t know it yet. Going somewhere safe is preferable to giving birth in a warzone.</p><p>It’s convincing everyone else that’s a problem. Their dead are buried here. This is their home. They want to fight for it. Part of Bellamy wants to fight for it too.</p><p>But in the end, what remains of the hundred are led on foot by Lincoln toward the sea. Grumpy and tired and hungry. Bellamy is the grumpiest of them all after three days in a row helping carry Spacewalker on a makeshift stretcher because, according to Clarke, he is in no shape to make this journey. They’re all taking shifts, but Bellamy’s time carrying the kid doubled when he insisted on taking Clarke’s shift. And after three days of Raven trying a little too hard to keep Finn’s attention, Finn constantly trying to bring Clarke into conversation, and Finn getting irritated with how much he’s getting jostled around on this hike, Bellamy’s seriously wondering if there’s a way they could leave him behind.</p><p>“You’re not going to leave him behind,” Octavia groans. “Even if you did, Clarke would make us all turn around to go get him.” Lincoln sits beside her, guarded and wary. But as soon as Octavia elbows him in the side and gives him a sly smile, he smiles back. His entire face transforms in just an instant.</p><p>“What?” Bellamy laughs.</p><p>“Nothing.” The two of them share looks back and forth, having their own silent conversation that he can’t comprehend.</p><p>They’ve made camp for the night, picking a clearing just past the last mountain. They’re sitting ducks if anyone comes to attack them, but they haven’t seen sign of a Grounder in two days. Lincoln thinks they’re letting them be since they’re finally leaving their territory. He says there are scattered groups of other Grounders, but none with the kind of organization of the twelve clans or whatever they are. Nor the violence, allegedly. Bellamy will believe it when he sees it. For now, they have shifts for keeping watch, and Bellamy keeps his gun within reach at all times.</p><p>Clarke is on the other side of camp, sitting between Harper and Jasper. Finn, much to his annoyance, is in their little circle as well with Monty and Raven. Clarke looks worse for wear, tired even though she probably wouldn’t admit to it, and she seems to be sitting there but not really being a part of whatever conversation they’re having. Bellamy wonders how many of them know about the pregnancy. He’d guess none, except maybe Finn.</p><p>“Stop glaring,” Octavia huffs.</p><p>“I’m not,” he snaps. O and Lincoln exchange the same kind of looks again, and Bellamy grabs his bag and finds somewhere else to sit.</p><hr/><p>On the fifth night of the journey, Bellamy wakes up in a cold sweat. He’s already forgotten the nightmare he was having, but the terror of it is still shaking through him. He surveys the camp, kicking Miller as he snores beside him. His eyes flicker to where Clarke had been lying only to find her missing. His eyes dart around, hoping to see her keeping watch but she’s not there.</p><p>Bellamy jumps to his feet, grabbing his gun and flashlight. A twig snaps to his right, and he takes off running, almost tripping over Jasper in the process.</p><p>He hears her retching before he sees her. “Clarke?”</p><p>“Fuck,” she hisses, then heaves again. She’s leaning against a tree, using it to hold her up as she vomits onto the ground. This doesn’t phase him. Very little can after helping his mother deliver a baby as a small child. He clicks the flashlight off and walks toward her so he can pull back her hair. “I’m fine. It’s just—”</p><p>“Morning sickness,” he says. She tries to stand upright, but more comes up. Bellamy focuses on breathing through his mouth and not his nose as she heaves.</p><p>Her face looks a little green when she finally stands upright, but it seems like she doesn’t have anything left to throw up. “You okay?”</p><p>“Yeah,” she says. “Sorry about that. What were you doing out here?”</p><p>“Trying to figure out where you went.” The furrowing of her eyebrows recedes, and her eyes grow bigger.</p><p>With a blink, it’s gone and she’s looking down at the ground. “You really don’t have to hover just because I’m pregnant,” she says.</p><p>“I’m not hovering.”</p><p>“You still won’t let me take a shift carrying Finn!”</p><p>“Because there’s no need for you to!” Clarke purses her lips and turns on her heel to stomp off. “Hey!”</p><p>“I’m perfectly capable of—”</p><p>“You’ve got a real gratitude problem, Princess.” That makes her stop. When she turns, her gaze is murderous. “I’m looking out for you, and you’re mad at me for it?”</p><p>“Who asked you to?” she snaps. “I’m not your responsibility. I can take care of myself.”</p><p>She stomps off, muttering to herself the whole way back to camp. Bellamy stands there, frozen. He’s been looking for the chance to tell her the truth this whole trip. But there was never a moment alone, never an opening to confess that he’s the father of her baby.</p><p>This should have been the moment.</p><p>“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath.</p><hr/><p>He steers clear of Clarke the next day. And the day after that.</p><p>Bellamy can’t exactly avoid her the day of the rainstorm when they all cram into a nearby cave. Still, he manages a good amount of distance and asks Octavia to check on her for him. Clarke spends most of the day beside Finn, the two of them talking more than they have this whole journey. He seems to be pretty animated and upset about something, which is unsurprising, but Clarke seems lost in thought. She catches him watching them, and Bellamy quickly throws himself into helping Miller clean the guns.</p><p>Frankly, the day of rain is kind of a gift. Sure, they’re all cranky and wet, but everyone is off their feet for an entire day. And there’s laughter. Every few minutes there seems to be a roar of laughter from one group or another. Even Lincoln has started laughing along as he sits with Octavia and Jasper.</p><p>It’s amazing to watch. Like the moment they hit the ground all over again.</p><p>“I think this is what peace looks like,” Clarke says from behind him, making him jump. He had been so lost in the happy scene in front of him, he missed her leaving his line of vision.</p><p>“Or they’re all delirious from exhaustion,” he snorts.</p><p>“I like my explanation better.” She plops down beside him on the ground.</p><p>“Me too.” He sneaks a glance at her. “Hey, I’m sorry that I’ve—”</p><p>“Don’t. I was overreacting.”</p><p>“No, let me ex—”</p><p>“It reminded me of Wells,” Clarke whispers. She keeps her gaze straight forward, not looking him in the eye. “He did a lot of that before… you know. And I feel guilty about how I hated him when he gave up everything to help me and my…” Her head drops. “So, I’m sorry. It wasn’t about you.” He opens his mouth to speak again, but she adds, “Thank you.”</p><p>“For what?”</p><p>Her lips curve up, a sight he isn’t used to seeing. Clarke has a nice smile. “Everything,” she sighs.</p><p>Jasper chooses this moment to stand up and do his Jaha impression, which is terrible and perfect and manages to even make Clarke crack up. Everyone seems to be enjoying their little break.</p><p>Everyone but Finn, who is glaring at Bellamy. What the hell did he do now? He doesn’t even talk to Finn. And it’s not like Bellamy has done anything lately that Finn has been able to argue with. So why—</p><p>Finn’s gaze shifts to Clarke, and it starts to make sense. Good God. Jealousy? Seriously? Though Bellamy isn’t sure the truth would fix that, probably only make it worse.</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Salt fills the air.</p><p>Lincoln had said the area is by the sea, but Bellamy hadn’t registered what that would smell like. The ocean has a different scent than the rivers and ponds. A warmer one.</p><p>It’s the smell of their new home.</p><p>The delinquents take off running to the water, leaving shoes and clothes scattered all along the sand as they splash each other with the water. Even Bellamy.</p><p>He smiled like an idiot when they first reached the ground, so excited to be on the planet he had only ever dreamed of and so relieved that he and Octavia were alive. This smile is like that one, though more cautious. Sure, he picks up Jasper and throws him into a wave, but he also stops to check over his shoulder, looking for any Grounders.</p><p>The only two people still on the beach are Lincoln, who seems to be silently laughing at all the children, and Finn, who hasn’t fully recovered yet. He’s back on his feet finally, but the energy isn’t quite back.</p><p>Bellamy spots Clarke in shallower water, hovering around the youngest delinquents. She’s standing in the water, hands braced under a boy’s back as he tries to float. She’s sneaky as she slips them away, waiting until he’s no longer paying attention to reveal that he doesn’t need her help. Bellamy’s lips twitch up at her excited smile.</p><p>Something grabs his ankle, and Bellamy falls under the waves, panic pushing to the surface. He let his guard down. He shouldn’t have gotten in the water, should have stayed out in watched. But then, arms wrap around his chest, and with a groan, he pulls himself and Jasper up to the surface.</p><p>“Funny,” Bellamy huffs before hurling him again into a wave.</p><p>In small waves, the delinquents grow tired of the water. Bellamy is one of the first ones out, determined to get dry before the sun goes down. Raven and Octavia come out soon after him, both eager to reunite with their boyfriends.</p><p>When Clarke comes out, ringing her hair to the side, their eyes meet. He gives her a half-smile that she takes as an invitation to come sit out with him. He dreads every step she makes toward him.</p><p>It’s not that he dislikes her. Quite the opposite. It’s been nice being her friend and ally. It’s that he doesn’t want to ruin that by telling her what a selfish asshole he was up on the Ark. And any conversation they have alone is a chance for him to tell her, another chance to make her hate him for abandoning her with the baby.</p><p>Clarke had stripped off her pants before getting in the water, but unlike most of the other girls, she didn’t strip down to her bra. With her damp shirt clinging to her, he guesses that was to hide the small bump. No one would know unless they were looking for it, and of course, Bellamy has looked for it every day since learning Clarke was pregnant.</p><p>“It’s going to be good here,” Clarke whispers. He nods in agreement. “Raven wants to work on communications with the Ark in the morning.”</p><p>Bellamy purses his lips.</p><p>“You’ll have to talk to Jaha eventually,” she says.</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>Clarke runs her fingers through the sand, making small swirls. It’s relaxing to watch. “When I talk to him, do you know what I’ll say?” she asks. Her hand wipes over her little doodle and she begins again. He shakes his head. “I’ll tell him you’re the reason we’re all still alive.”</p><p>Bellamy scoffs.</p><p>“Don’t,” she warns. “Look at where we are, Bellamy. We’re safe for the first time in a long time. You made this plan. You made it happen for us.” For a moment, he forgets she’s talking about the delinquents, forgets there is anyone else here except the three of them. Because he didn’t do this for anyone but Clarke and the baby. Before, he was ready to run and fight off Grounders at every turn. “So, that is what I will tell him.”</p><p>“Not sure that earns a pardon,” Bellamy sighs.</p><p>“No, but a deal would. You can tell him who made you shoot him. He’s trapped up there with him or her, you know. He’d probably do just about anything for that information.”</p><p>She’s not looking at him. She’s too fixed on her own little sand drawing, so she misses how he smiles at her. Bellamy gives her knee a squeeze, and that gets her attention. Her head jerks forward, facing the water, so fast that her damp hair smacks his face.</p><p>“We need to figure out where to make camp,” she says quickly. “Figure out how to build… what are they called?”</p><p>“Cabins?”</p><p>“Cabins,” she agrees. “It’s warmer here, but it might not stay that way. And the first cabin should be turned into a clinic. I’m thinking of picking a few others to help me run it. Octavia, if she wants to.”</p><p>“Lincoln could help.”</p><p>“Does he know anything about…” She stops herself, takes a deep breath, and speaks again. “Do you know if he’s ever delivered a baby?”</p><p>“No, but I have.” Clarke turns her head, eyes going wide. “Octavia, remember?”</p><p>“But you had to be—”</p><p>“A kid, yeah. Let’s hope Lincoln is more qualified than me.”</p><p>Her cheeks are pink. “Not that I don’t think you would be good at—”</p><p>Bellamy’s laughter comes rolling off his lips. “Please, Princess,” he says. “I’m not offended.”</p><p>Predictably, Monty and Jasper are the last ones to come out of the water. They save the awkwardness by rushing up carrying some red creature with large claws, waving it around in their faces.</p><p>“What is that?” Bellamy asks.</p><p>“Dinner!” they shout in unison.</p><p>As the sun sets, campfires break out along the sand. The shell of the thing the boys caught is too hard to eat, but the inside is surprisingly good. Clarke doesn’t try it. The smell makes her turn green.</p><p>Bellamy’s surprised she’s stuck by his side this long. Their friendship is new and awkward, just now getting its footing. But it’s nice, all the same. Around his fire are the two of them, Lincoln and Octavia, Harper, and Monty and Jasper. Everyone is too tired out from playing in the water so long to speak much, and it’s an early night.</p><p>The most surprising part of the day is when he turns to see that Clarke has set her pack just beside his and lies down right next to him.</p><p>Her eyes widen when she catches him looking. “I could go somewhere—”</p><p>“No, stay.”</p><p>It’s easier to keep an eye on her like this. It feels better to have her close.</p><p>When his eyes finally close, he sleeps like the dead.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It becomes a thing they do. Every night, they sleep side by side. When it rains, their tents are right by each other. And when Clarke wakes with the crack of dawn, Bellamy is usually the first person she wakes up with a list of things to do.</p><p>Clean drinking water. Shelter. A stab at an actual building. Food rations.</p><p>Her brain never stops. Clarke never slows down, and it’s wearing Bellamy out. Making her sit for an extended period of time is enough to make her snap at him, and getting her to choke down food is no treat either.</p><p>The only way he convinces her to take a nap is by agreeing to help Raven for her, even though he’s too damn tired himself. But it gets her to lie down for a bit, so he’s only a little bit frustrated as he comes into Raven’s work tent.</p><p>And of course, Spacewalker is there.</p><p>“Is this one?” he asks, holding up a small wire.</p><p>Without looking up, Raven mutters, “No.” Her jaw is so hard that it could crack stone. Bellamy doesn’t get a chance to make an exit because she spots him. “See? Bellamy’s gonna help, so you can go back to—”</p><p>“Raven,” Finn says, slapping his hand down on the wood bench between them. “What’s going on?”</p><p>This gets her to look up. “You tell me,” she hisses.</p><p>“Finn, there’s a shortage of guys working on the fence,” Bellamy says, offering him an out. For once, he’s not an idiot and takes it. As soon as the flap shuts behind him, Raven drops her head to the bench and groans. “So, uh, what do I need to do?” So much wire and metal all torn up, and he’s now not so sure he can actually help Raven like he promised Clarke. He’s no idiot, but this isn’t exactly the sort of thing he knows much about.</p><p>She doesn’t answer. Instead, her back starts to shake as if she’s crying.</p><p>“How long?” she asks.</p><p>“I don’t—”</p><p>“How long did he wait to fuck Clarke?” She sits up at an alarming speed, eyes red and zeroed in on Bellamy. “It had to be right away, right?”</p><p>His throat grows dry. Bellamy can’t definitively tell what happened between Clarke and Finn. In fact, it’s something he doesn’t like to think about.</p><p>“How can he act like nothing is wrong when she’s literally starting to show?” Raven huffs before throwing a wire across the tent. “He acts like I’m reading into things when I ask about her, but she’s literally walking around carrying his fucking baby.”</p><p>It clicks a little to late, but his mouth is all too ready to jump in before his mind catches up.</p><p>“It’s mine.”</p><p>Raven drops the screwdriver she was about to hurl and blinks at Bellamy. “You…”</p><p>Why did he say that? Only one other person here knows that, and it’s not Clarke. Why would he tell Raven before her?</p><p>“So, it’s not Finn’s?”</p><p>“No,” he snaps. “It’s mine.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>Before he says anything else stupid, he walks out. And he doesn’t mean to, but he finds himself heading toward the clinic where Clarke is supposed to be fast asleep. But she’s not there.</p><p>Nobody gets in his way as he storms across camp looking for her. He should have known she wouldn’t just take a rest. Nothing is ever that easy with Clarke. It’s always a fight.</p><p>He finds her with Harper, out in the woods picking berries.</p><p>“Clarke,” he says. Her bright blue eyes meet his, already defensive.</p><p>“I think, uh, Jasper just called for me,” Harper mutters, already six strides away. Clarke throws her hands up in frustration before leveling her gaze back on Bellamy.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“What?” he huffs. “You promised me you were going to rest.”</p><p>“I tried,” she shrugs. “Couldn’t sleep.”</p><p>“You’re carrying another human inside you, Clarke. You have to fucking rest.”</p><p>“I will, okay?” She won’t, and they both know it.</p><p>Clarke tries to turn from him, but he grabs her arm to hold her still. “Clarke,” he says, calmer this time. “Please.” The circles under her eyes are so dark, and her eyes are a bit bloodshot. God, and she’s so pale. Maybe she’s not eating enough.</p><p>“I feel fine,” she whispers, but there’s no commitment to the lie.</p><p>Bellamy lets out a shaky breath. Their world has been safer since they moved out here, but it’s not enough to calm his anxiety. It’s not enough to calm hers either. Sure, the others have settled easily into peace, but he sees Clarke searching for enemies in every shadow just like him.</p><p>“We’re safe here,” he tells her.</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“The baby will be safe here,” Bellamy promises, and on this, there is no doubt. He’s made a lot of selfish mistakes, but that stopped the second he realized he could actually take care of their child. He can make this world safe for them.</p><p>Clarke turns her head and wipes a tear from her eye. “You promise?”</p><p>With a sigh, he pulls her into her side and is surprised when she buries her face into his chest. “I promise.” He rests his chin on top of her head and counts to three before speaking again. “But picking a few more berries is really not as important as you taking care of yourself. I can’t turn around without you sneaking off to work. Can’t you give that overachiever energy to Jasper or someone?”</p><p>She chuckles, low and warm, and it vibrates through her. It’s a nice sound.</p><p>They stand there for a few minutes, lightly swaying in the clearing. In the distance, he hears footsteps coming from camp. It’s like these kids can’t go five minutes without injuring themselves or starting a fight. Without him and Clarke around, it would descend into chaos.</p><p>“Not now,” Bellamy groans.</p><p>“Clarke.” And of course, it’s Spacewalker’s voice. His grip on Clarke tightens as she pulls away, and he has to force himself to let go.</p><p>“Now’s not a good time,” Clarke sniffles, rubbing at her eyes.</p><p>Finn isn’t budging. He keeps walking toward them, his gaze murderous toward Bellamy. “Is it true?”</p><p>Bellamy’s stomach clenches.</p><p>“Finn,” he warns.</p><p>“Is what true?” Clarke huffs.</p><p>“That it’s his baby?” Finn demands. “When were you going to tell me?”</p><p>“Clarke,” Bellamy tries.</p><p>“His… you mean Bellamy?” she asks, blinking rapidly. “No, he’s not…”</p><p>The words die on her tongue when she meets Bellamy’s eyes. “Clarke.” Finn is saying something, but he can’t quite make it out over the loud ringing in his ears that only gets louder with each second it takes Clarke to say something.</p><p>Please, say something. Anything is better than the silence and her wide-eyed stare.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>He’s been wondering what she would say when he told her, if she’d yell or call him selfish. Or if she’d be disgusted that it’s his child. At the very least, he expected a thousand questions. Not that small little word.</p><p>“Octavia,” Bellamy says quickly. “I couldn’t put her at risk up there. And my rations were already spread too thin between the three of us. If I had a kid, I…” Her face doesn’t change at all. She’s still looking at him as if she’s never truly seen him before, and now, she’s terrified of what she sees. “It’s different down here. I can… I was going to tell you, but—”</p><p>“But it’d be better if she never knew,” Finn adds. Bellamy turns on him, ready to finally hit him square in the jaw, but Finn dodges before he gets the chance. He hits Bellamy right in the ribs, knocking him back a few steps. Bellamy starts to move toward him again, but Clarke steps in the way, and he stops dead in his tracks.</p><p>“Finn,” she says. And right as he turns toward her, she punches him square in the nose.</p><p>“Fuck.”</p><p>“Damn,” Bellamy laughs. “Princess, you didn’t have to—”</p><p>Before he can get the rest out, her fist slams into his face too.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>what's this? another update? from clarke's pov? within 24 hours of the last update? i promise im okay guys just unable to sleep so, uh, writing again?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once, she heard her mother say that Clarke never cries. It was the first time she realized that she tried not to cry around other people. It wasn’t a conscious choice, just the result of a lifetime of being told she had to be strong to set an example. And she can’t seem to let that go.</p><p>After she punched both Finn and Bellamy, she ran. Was there a plan? Nope. Just an explosion of painful emotions coming at her from all sides and two men who want to talk about it when she never wants to talk about it ever again.</p><p>So, that’s how Clarke finds herself in this tree. The leaves provide adequate cover, but she can still see the light of their camp in the distance.</p><p>She said she would just stay until the tears stopped, but now the sun is starting to set, she’s run out of tears, and Clarke hasn’t budged.</p><p>They’re both looking for her. Finn’s excellent tracking brought him right to the tree, but the lack of brain cells prevented him from exploring the idea that Clarke might have gone up the tree. So, he’s been east for about half an hour, she’d say. Bellamy’s strategy seems to be to cover as much ground as possible, calling her name as if she would actually respond to him. He’s circled the tree at least twice… but also lacks the brain cells to look up, it seems.</p><p>When the sun disappears over the horizon, Clarke notices a third searcher join in on the fun. Probably Octavia and Lincoln, since it looks like Bellamy is the one bringing in reinforcements.</p><p>The responsible, adult thing would be to climb down from this tree. But fuck that.</p><p>The second she’s in sight, she’ll be swarmed with questions and explanations and so much fucking talking it’ll make her sick.</p><p>In the distance, she hears Lincoln say something in Trig. Clarke is careful as she turns, trying to rustle any of the leaves, but Lincoln’s gaze stays on the ground. Octavia’s following close behind with a scowl on her face.</p><p>“She probably just wants to be alone,” Octavia huffs. At least someone gets it.</p><p>Lincoln doesn’t respond, and the silence makes her skin prickle and itch in anticipation. Holding her breath, she looks down. He’s looking right up at her, raising one eyebrow.</p><p>“Would you like help getting down?” he sighs.</p><p>“No thank you. This tree is my home now,” she mutters.</p><p>Octavia walks up to the trunk so she can see Clarke. “Sorry,” she whispers to her. “I told him to tell you earlier.”</p><p>“Go tell him she’s fine,” Lincoln says to Octavia. “I’ll stay until she’s ready to come back.”</p><p>Going <em>back</em>. How is she supposed to face Bellamy? Tears well up, and she buries her face into her sleeve. How could she be so stupid?</p><p>Octavia leaves, and Lincoln sits with his back against the trunk. Eventually, she stops hearing Finn and Bellamy calling out for her. And as minutes pass without either of them storming over here to talk to her, Clarke’s heartbeat steadies.</p><p>“Which do you want to start with?” Lincoln calls up.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Finn or Bellamy?” Oh, he wants her to talk. Does he not realize this is the very reason she is in the tree? To avoid this talking thing?</p><p>When she ignores him, he stands up and begins climbing the tree.</p><p>“You don’t have to—”</p><p>“Why should you get the tree all to yourself?” he asks, out of breath as he hoists himself on the branch below hers. “Alright, let’s start with Finn.”</p><p>“Not everything is about Finn,” Clarke mutters. Poor Finn. He cheated on his girlfriend and now the girl he cheated with doesn’t want to be around him. Oh no. And now she’s spending time with a guy he doesn’t like, and shouldn’t she worry about how he feels about it?</p><p>“Ah.”</p><p>“He finds out who the father is, and the first thing that went through his mind is <em>how dare Clarke not tell me</em> like I had a damn clue. And he’s mad at me for it? Like I specifically chose Bellamy Blake?”</p><p>“I thought you and Bellamy had been getting along.”</p><p>“We were. We are,” she snaps.</p><p>“But he didn’t tell you right away, and you’re mad at him for keeping that from you?”</p><p>“No,” she says before taking a beat to think. “I mean, yes.”</p><p>Lincoln leans back, bracing his hand on the trunk to balance himself as he looks up at Clarke. All he does is lift an eyebrow.</p><p>Clarke opens her mouth to explain, but the tears come rushing through as she’s reminded of just how <em>stupid</em> she had to be not to realize what was happening.</p><p>Bree warned her. Roma warned her. Bellamy Blake doesn’t fall for anyone, just takes them to bed and forgets about them after.  </p><p>She should have known that night after Dax attacked them. The shift in Bellamy was too strong, too quick. He went from begrudging cooperation to fussing over Clarke. And the touching. God, he was always putting a hand on her shoulder or squeezing her arm.</p><p>Bellamy brought her food when she was too busy to get it herself. He took her carrying shifts on the way here so she wouldn’t strain herself. What other explanation could there have been for how he always seemed to be watching her?</p><p>“I thought…” Clarke swallows. “I thought the reason he was trying so hard to take care of me was because he felt something for me.”</p><p>The words taste acidic in her mouth, a poisonous delusion finally admitted. Why would he? She’s knocked up, grumpy, and he’s seen her throw up at least a dozen times now. He’s already has his pick of the girls at camp, and Clarke certainly wasn’t his first choice. How could she have possibly thought it was true?</p><p>And why does it hurt so much to find out that it’s not?</p><p>Because Clarke really is that stupid. She let herself think about it, about what it could be like. And she liked the little delusion she put together for them.</p><p>The shock of having it ripped away broke her for a moment. But now she has to go apologize to him, even though he is the very last person she wants to be around right now, because she’s not even mad at him, just herself, but she took it out on him. It’s not his fault she’s so stupid. He was just being… a father, really.</p><p>And just thinking that makes her heart stutter a bit. Everything he’s done, it’s for the baby inside her swollen belly. <em>Their</em> baby. He moved them here, moved them somewhere safe. He’s building a home here, a place their baby can grow up safely in. He’s taking care of Clarke, making sure she’s eating for two and getting enough rest.</p><p>And all that just makes her angrier. And sadder. And more thankful for him. And more heartbroken.</p><p>It’s too many feelings, and not all of them make sense. The only thing that makes sense right now is staying in this tree and never getting back down.</p><p>“Don’t tell Octavia that,” Clarke whispers. “It’s not a big deal.”</p><p>There’s a long silence before Lincoln says, “It’s a reasonable conclusion. Until Octavia told me about the baby, I had thought the same thing.”</p><p>Clarke lets out a sigh. “I have to leave the tree, don’t I?”</p><p>“Probably.”</p><p>She groans. “Okay. Finn has to leave me alone for a few days. Only speaks when spoken to.”</p><p>“Easier said than done.”</p><p>“And I’ll…” What is she supposed to do about Bellamy? “I’ll figure the rest out when I get back, I guess.”</p><p>Getting out of the tree is much harder than getting into it was. She’s still not used to the added weight throwing off her coordination at every turn. Lincoln ends up climbing down with her, doing most of the work.</p><p>The walk is too short, and the patrol spots them quickly. Clarke sees Finn first, and Lincoln starts to step in front of Clarke.</p><p>“No,” she sighs, walking up to meet him.</p><p>“Clarke, are you okay?” he asks, putting his hands on her shoulders as he looks her over. Behind him, she sees Bellamy at the entrance, coming to an abrupt halt when he sees Finn and Clarke. And for a moment, the delusional part of her brain lets her think that she sees jealousy inching across his stoic face. The truth crashes back into her hard and fast, and all she wants is to be back in that tree.</p><p>“I’m fine,” she chokes out.</p><p>“If something happened to you, I’d—”</p><p>“Stop.” Her eyes fall shut and she takes a deep breath. “It was a mistake. What happened with us, I mean.”</p><p>“Clarke—”</p><p>She has to say it, even if she’s unsure if it’s entirely true. The doors have to shut, or he’ll always be trying to come back in. “Raven loves you. I don’t. It’s that simple.”</p><p>She shouldn’t have looked at him after saying those words, but she does. Finn stares at her as if she just stabbed him through the heart.</p><p>Clarke gives herself a beat to feel all the complicated things she feels toward Finn, and then she shuts the door on him.</p><p>Now, she just has one last door to shut.</p><p>Lincoln trails behind her as she makes her way toward the entrance. Bellamy gets tenser the closer she gets. “Just tell him you need some space,” he whispers to her, but she waves him off.</p><p>Bellamy opens his mouth to say something when she stops in front of him, but he stumbles on the first syllable and then gives up.</p><p>“It’s okay,” Clarke tells him. Relief floods his features, and it’s so hard not to read into why he’s so relieved. “I just needed some time to process all this.”</p><p>“I wanted to tell—”</p><p>“I know,” she says, plastering a reassuring smile on her lips. “You didn’t know how. It’s okay.”</p><p>His brows furrow. “Okay.”</p><p>“Okay.” Clarke swallows and looks back at Lincoln, who is eyeing her suspiciously. “I’m going to sleep early. You’re right, I need to rest… for the baby’s sake.” Before she can make this any more awkward, she propels herself forward and brushes right past Bellamy, taking a final deep breath before slamming his door shut too.</p><p>She thought it would be a relief.</p><p>It’s not.</p>
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